Saturday, 4 March 2017

I hate the term triggered. I hate that it sounds like a pretentious little snob has heard something that is mildly frustrating or annoying and may trigger an emotional response.

I like to think that I'm not prone to emotional outbursts, I mostly take things in my stride. I didn't cry when I broke up with my husband. I did cry when my baby boy didn't breathe for three minutes after he was born.

In reality there are three things that knock me for six and they all relate to my past - sexual abuse, rape and the failure to be a mother to my son who I haven't seen in over 4 years. The first two I can accept as not my fault but I still don't discuss them openly and I still get massively upset by remembering them.

The third.. Well.. I haven't come to terms with it. I've had 2 suicide attempts and several occasions where thinking or talking about it has led to self harm. So when my boyfriend casually dropped it into conversation with a couple that I barely know I.. I don't even know. I tried to hold it together while we were out. He knew I was angry or upset about it but he didn't stop. He basically listed my failures to maintain a relationship like it was his story to tell and I am so angry and so hurt and I have no idea how to tell him quite how much that hurts. I let myself cry while we were in the cinema but it wasn't the release I needed. I'm typing to stop myself getting out of bed and curling up in a ball and crying until I'm exhausted. I'm typing to stop myself walking down to the kitchen and finding the sharpest knife I can and pulling it slowly across my ribs or my stomach which is still stretched and saggy and ruined because of the child I don't even know.

 I'm typing to stop myself waking him up and telling him how fucking shitty it is to list ny failures and generally make me feel like this, especially in front of other people. I was looking forward to the movie but I spent the whole time thinking I should leave and just get a train home but not wanting to come home, not wanting to raise a fuss, not wanting to have to talk about it.

He's invited Gemma over while I'm away. I want to be okay with it but I still think he loves her in a way that he doesn't connect with me. I think I'd be more okay with it if he was honest. I've been thinking a lot about polyamory and I think it would suit us.. Well, me. Not so sure about him.

I don't want to get out of my bed but I don't want to sleep with him tonight. I don't want to be the one that always loses everything.