Saturday, 4 March 2017

I hate the term triggered. I hate that it sounds like a pretentious little snob has heard something that is mildly frustrating or annoying and may trigger an emotional response.

I like to think that I'm not prone to emotional outbursts, I mostly take things in my stride. I didn't cry when I broke up with my husband. I did cry when my baby boy didn't breathe for three minutes after he was born.

In reality there are three things that knock me for six and they all relate to my past - sexual abuse, rape and the failure to be a mother to my son who I haven't seen in over 4 years. The first two I can accept as not my fault but I still don't discuss them openly and I still get massively upset by remembering them.

The third.. Well.. I haven't come to terms with it. I've had 2 suicide attempts and several occasions where thinking or talking about it has led to self harm. So when my boyfriend casually dropped it into conversation with a couple that I barely know I.. I don't even know. I tried to hold it together while we were out. He knew I was angry or upset about it but he didn't stop. He basically listed my failures to maintain a relationship like it was his story to tell and I am so angry and so hurt and I have no idea how to tell him quite how much that hurts. I let myself cry while we were in the cinema but it wasn't the release I needed. I'm typing to stop myself getting out of bed and curling up in a ball and crying until I'm exhausted. I'm typing to stop myself walking down to the kitchen and finding the sharpest knife I can and pulling it slowly across my ribs or my stomach which is still stretched and saggy and ruined because of the child I don't even know.

 I'm typing to stop myself waking him up and telling him how fucking shitty it is to list ny failures and generally make me feel like this, especially in front of other people. I was looking forward to the movie but I spent the whole time thinking I should leave and just get a train home but not wanting to come home, not wanting to raise a fuss, not wanting to have to talk about it.

He's invited Gemma over while I'm away. I want to be okay with it but I still think he loves her in a way that he doesn't connect with me. I think I'd be more okay with it if he was honest. I've been thinking a lot about polyamory and I think it would suit us.. Well, me. Not so sure about him.

I don't want to get out of my bed but I don't want to sleep with him tonight. I don't want to be the one that always loses everything.

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

CW: Mental Health

The hardest part about having a personality disorder isn't the part where you stop feeling. It isn't the part where you make the bad life choices or do the things that make you feel alive. It's not the part when you're having the affairs and spending all your money and dancing and drinking and putting effort into looking and feeling good. It isn't the part where you're pushing people away or picking up superficial friendships.

It's the part where you start feeling again. The part when you wake up and your soul mate isn't next to you. It's the part when you're singing a song in the shower and it's the song that you automatically change the lyrics to because it's the one that you used to sing at your husband (not to, definitely at). It's the tune that you used to hum to your infant son to lull him into a sleep. And you stop singing. And then you never want to sing again.

It's the part where you are suddenly aware of every knife, sharp object and painkilling drug in your house. It's the part where you are mentally balancing every potential route to stop yourself from living. I don't want to cause a car accident because so many other people could be affected - other drivers, passengers, pedestrians, people caught in traffic, ambulance or fire crews. I don't want to drown because I don't think I could hold myself underwater and the burning in my lungs would be unbearable. I think I've always known that my route will be carefully thought out, slow and reasoned. I want a heavy dose of opiates to carry me away from this world and leave behind a sleeping corpse.

And yet when I get to this point, every bridge is one that I could jump off, every river is one I could fall into and be unable to keep myself afloat in my heavy clothes, every knife is one that could cut my throat, every motorway is a small flick of the wrist away from being a high speed wreck. These thoughts come unbidden, like winds from the sea. I'm not scared of these thoughts, I just argue them with logic - none of these are failsafe ways to ensure my death. I need to hold out until I can get the opiates and no other drugs will do.

When I self harm it isn't the wild slashings of my youth. It is not my wrists or my arms where people will see and ask if I need help. It is digging my nails into my own ribs to feel the pain, it is scratching deeply to feel the stinging sensations crawl across my skin, it is pulling out body hair when I am stressed until my partner thinks I have shaved - I'm female so the lack of body hair is attractive rather than remarkable. It is a transfer of emotional pain to physical. It is a focus. I try very much to hide it from people. It is not a cry for help.

I try to keep up my mask of positivity and optimism during the days. I work hard and surpass targets and aim for things that I perceive to be outside of my grasp - outside of my talents or skillset. Maybe to see if I will fail but more likely because it's another focus and I can get through life by jumping from one all encompassing focus to another. I will make a doublet this weekend. It will have interfacing and a fleece lining between the normal lining and the beautiful outer fabric that I don't even know the name of. It will have a collar and peplums that I have never made before. It will have hand-stitched trim with tiny pearls and lace. It will hold my focus for another few weeks. It will be beautiful if I can pull it off how I imagine it to be.

Monday, 23 January 2017

Fitness: Making Progress

Weight: 13st 2lbs
Fitness: Gym Bunny (Still the fat kind)

So, just as I'm getting into the routine of pre-work gym and health meals, I'm now taking a week off to go on an adventure week.

I have upped all of my weights at the gym since I felt like the weights I was doing were too easy and I managed to cycle an full extra mile in my half hour cardio on the exercise bike. This feels like pretty awesome progress to me and it feels good, even on the day after shoulder day when I couldn't move my arms in all the directions they usually go.

As for the weight side of things, I'm trying not to focus too much on numbers but given that I was 13st 7lb just after New Year, 5lb loss isn't bad. Stress is an excellent appetite suppressant so the hectic month at work has really helped!

I will probably put on weight this week (she says, eating leftover pizza for breakfast) but I'm not going to worry about it, I want to really enjoy my holiday with my friends and I can get back into the gym and health foods next week.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Adventures!

It's been a slow start for Adventure Year but plans are afoot! Let's have a look at what I've done over the last 2 weeks.

4.  Completed my Yogalates DVD (with the alterations for sore knees) - So far I haven't even fallen over!
5. Watched Season 6 of Game of Thrones before season 7 is out - Does this count as an adventure? Probably not but it's a new thing to me and I got to do the whole thing whilst snuggled up with boyfriend in a duvet nest on the sprawling sofa so it feels like a win to me.
6. Stood up for something I believed in at work. I can't really go into details on this one  but this week at work I put forward a negative opinion and that's pretty new to me. It was well received and I think I articulated the opinion well and put forward an alternative solution that could work for all teams across the business. It's not ideal but without being able to code an entire new section for our work systems it's a pretty nifty compromise.


So, not much in the way of excitement but these are all new things and my next adventure post should be full of excitement about my very first roleplay convention (the rolling funny sided dice kind, not the bedroom kind)

Saturday, 7 January 2017

Fitness: Gymspiration

Weight: 13st 6lb
Fitness: Gym Bunny (the fat kind of bunny with the chubby cheeks and wriggly butt)

I made it through week 1 of gymming! Yesterday I went with boyfriend and that really helped inspire me to do more things there and to an extra set on each exercise and now that I've realised I can do more I will add more into my routine. Also, counting his sit ups and standing on his feet meant I had a great view of his rapidly inclining shorts :D

I've been trying to work out what sort of routine I want to do, mostly using machines because free weights are still intimidating and working on muscles which I know to be problematic areas so they cause fewer problems in future.

So I've settled on the following:

3 sets of 10 Lateral Pull Downs
3 sets of 10 Seated Rows at each height
3 sets of 10 Leg Curls
3 sets of 10 Leg Extensions
2 sets of 20 Sit Ups
Plank (as long as possible)
30 minutes Cardio (Treadmill or Cross Trainer)
Lots of stretching inbetween and after

That's three multi-muscles machines for strength/ toning, a bit on my abs, a bit of cardio to get the heart rate going and lots of stretching to complement yoga. I'm going to do this routine for 6 weeks and then see if there's anything I need to add or if I should be doing more weights. That seems sensible and in no time at all I'll be able to do a pull up into a tree and also strengthen the muscles around my knees and back so I'm less likely to injure those going forward.

I've been taking the stairs at work too but that feels like a cop out exercise to me, it's 2 flights of stairs a day and my smart watch doesn't even count it when I go down them!

"But Lu, you've only lost 1lb in your first week! Normally you're much better than that!"
Yup, that's because 80% of weight loss success comes from your diet (according to The Internet which never lies) and this week I'm still using up all my food stage so I still had a lot of cheese and home baked gingerbread and mini apple pies and home made fudge and jars of pasta sauce rather than home made pasta sauces and delicious bread.

I have been eating breakfast though and my fruit of the week was clementines which I love! So baby steps, and I've nearly used up my old food now.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Fitness: The Induction

Weight: ?
Fitness: Still terrible

So I didn't exactly start very motivated this morning. I woke up at 7am feeling pretty good about the amount of sleep I'd had but boyfriend bailed on the gym straight away. I was really looking forward to starting on the right step with him but I suspect that he may never be a morning gym person. He resents it when he has to get up and go with his dad if they ever go in the mornings so I think I will start with the attitude that I'm in this alone and if he ever decides to come with me it will be a nice change. I will miss his cute butt in shorts and watching him do pull ups and weights and generally being a good gym buddy and competitor.

When I got to the gym I was informed that they didn't have any membership forms so I'll have to apply online (why didn't they tell me this when I called about joining up? I could have sorted this all out days ago!) and also, they hadn't actually booked in my induction with an instructor so could I just wait around for a bit while they got a guy over from the poolside to show me the equipment? On the bright side, this meant I didn't have to worry about trying to prove that me and boyfriend should have a couples membership because we're definitely a couple and we're not just living together to get cheap gym membership.

Pool guy was lovely, I hope nobody drowned while he was showing me how the industrial strength vibrator worked.

So, I learnt to gym. Sort of. I mean, I know what most of the machines do and pool guy said to do warm up, then weights, then cardio for superior weight loss. I don't actually have a routine to do which they were supposed to give me and I'm a little daunted by the sheer number of things that I could potentially do. I guess I need to prioritise which bits I want to work on and then google a beginners toning workout and stick to that for 6 weeks. Is it too soon to look up the Victoria's Secret model body workout? Nah, I got this.

In positive news the bedtime alarm and reading before bed is working for my overall tiredness levels so I'm at the point of being in a light sleep and not entirely resenting waking up when my alarm goes off. I suspect that hot bath also helped and had the added bonus of helping my poor, newly discovered muscles that yoga found and tried to destroy.

Next up: finding a routine and sticking to it.

Monday, 2 January 2017

We're going on a journey! And it starts here..

 There are two parts to this blog - the first is relating to my personal fitness and basically attempting to look as awesome as possible in pretty clothes. Being lighter will help with my pain levels and reduce problems/ impact with my joints as well as being excellent for my mental health, keeping up my generally positive attitude towards both myself and the world.

The second part is all about my adventures and doing new things! I turn 30 this year and I'm aiming to try 30 completely new things - some will be full on experiences that I've always wanted to try, others will be smaller achievements like trying out new recipes or making new craft projects or achieving fitness goals.

Part One - Fitness

Weight - 13st 7.6lbs
Fitness - Terrible

I've joined a gym, just like everyone else does in January! I used to go to the gym 3 times a week before I moved and I've just never got round to joining one here so I've signed up for an induction at 8am 04/01 at my local gym and I'm going to go Mondays and Wednesdays and one other day a week - either Fridays or Saturdays, I haven't worked out which is best yet but I'm hoping boyfriend will join me at least once a week. He's super hot when he's working out and I'm sure that will spur me on to work ever harder.

Today I did yoga and discovered that being chubbier makes some of my old poses harder and also that I have lost a heck of a lot of my flexibility and stamina.. and strength.. and well, I'm not in a great shape unless you count round as a shape..

I also went for a jog round the castle with boyfriend and discovered that I have lost stamina.. and strength.. and ability to breathe. But on the bright side, I got to follow boyfriend's cute butt as he ran around catching pokémon and I more or less completed the first run of C25K.

While we're at it, C25K is such a lie, there is no couch option so I recommend making the most of the sofa while you download the app.


Part Two - Adventures!

 So technically, I'm cheating in this because one of my new things technically happened in 2016 but it was after I finished work for the year so it still counts!

1. I built and burnt an effigy of 2016 with a group of friends. I mean, it was horrifying and the mask had blackened eyes and carrying the gigantic cardboard beast through the town got a fair share of worried looks, we lost two limbs and the most structurally integral part was the terrifying Christmas jumper that we decided not to burn so as not to poison our toasting marshmallows.
2. I played roulette and craps in Caerphilly Royale at a new years party! It was so much fun and I definitely had all the luck. I left with over double the number of chips I started with and gave half to boyfriend as he was dancing around the house for chips
3. I learnt to make overnight oats with a recipe I found online. I realise this is a small achievement but it's a new thing nonetheless. This is part of re-starting slimming world in an attempt to be less round.

So there, we have a beginning and future posts probably won't be as long but I figure I should track this somehow.